Week 39

 

February 8, 2023

This email is going to be a little bit different this week. I've been writing emails every week and that's really been my journal writing, and this week I want to express some thoughts and feelings that are a little more personal.

#1 is that I no longer enjoy speaking just English or Spanish, my preferred language is Spanglish. When I'm tired after a long day I revert to thinking in mostly Spanish - Spanglish.

#2 is that these past 2 weeks have been harder. We've had some of the best lessons I've had in the mission and when I'm outside I have energy and enthusiasm and I really enjoy what I'm doing. But whenever I'm in the apartment, I have a lack-luster motivation, no energy, and little to no motivation, especially in terms of getting out of bed. It's like I'm passing the best and worst moments of my mission at the same time. I'm not giving up anything, and I'm still doing the best I can at all times, it's just been much more tiring. I feel like I'm hiking up a mountain with a heavy load on my back. I know myself, and that I'll continue walking no matter what, but I'm just sick of the extra baggage. I know what I need to, it's just not easy and it doesn't happen immediately. But I know that starting next transfer I'll have worked through a really big and necessary change that I've been needing to make for a long time. Now that I've hiked for so long with the backpack, once I get rid of it I'll be set to go with an amazing capacity that I haven't been able to access before in my life. But right now I have to focus on ditching the backpack. Somewhat trivial I know, but this is how I put the story together in my head, and it describes what I'm working with perfectly. If change was easy, everyone would do it.

#3: I've spent the past little while reading other emails that missionaries I know have sent out, and a lot of them have been writing about things they're learning or great experiences they've had, awesome people they're teaching etc. and they all write in such a similar manner, and when I'm with other missionaries they all think and act so differently than I do. I first noticed this when I showed up 3rd or 4th week into the mission at the MTC in Mexico. Almost all of them grew up in such a different way than I did. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but when I see them progressing through their life here in the mission, it seems to me like God has given them the pieces and they're putting together a puzzle. The pieces are sure and have their place. But when I see myself, I feel like God has a pencil and he's drawing a picture. Every transfer has taken me all over the canvas and I never feel any kind of surety. Like things come and go and what's left over is contributing to my picture. What I feel I lack is depth, or color. Significance to be precise. I have a picture but I lack an understanding of what it means. I don't feel the picture yet. It's like I'm the painting, and I show myself to those who pass by, and they have to interpret it for me. But I've yet to know what I am, what I mean, and what the Artist intended and yet has in store for me. What I was getting to earlier about feeling different than the other missionaries is that when people interpret what I am, its not anything like the other puzzles, which make sense, are clearer and and most can decide for sure what they are. And people agree on it. They're a picture, and people know what it is, but I'm made from something abstract, and people can't agree on what I am, because everyone sees it their own way. I think what's the hardest is that whatever I am doesn't fit with the group. Their puzzles have a common theme, and then I weave in and out of places, but I don't fit anywhere for a surety.

But through the experience of being created I've really consulted the Artist on my purpose, and I've really inquired why I'm not like the rest. Why am I not like the rest. Why is my path so far away from the others. I cross many but in such a bizarre pattern that has yet to make sense.

If you can't tell I thoroughly enjoy philosophy and psychology.

I've felt less like a square on the quilt, and more like the string that holds the other squares in their right place, but the stitching job is a piece of art in and of itself... somehow.

I think the Artist had something in mind but I've taken control of the needle and gone astray a few too many times, and now He's trying to make something of the mess I've made.

Anyways, that's my thought rambling for now, maybe I'll look at at this later and make some more sense out of it. Mostly for me, but I guess you guys get to tune in for now.

I know God has a plan for me, but it's difficult for me to see what I am and where I fit in the big picture. It doesn't make it easier when my piece doesn't match anyone else's, and theirs seem to line up with everyone else's. But I know it'll all work out in the end.

Anyways, I'm just gonna live this as it is and see if I can make sense if it later. Y'all can do as you please with it.

I've decided I'm going to take a break from emails for the rest of this transfer. There's a lot of things I need to touch up on and sort out, and I want some time to focus on that, so beginning of next transfer I'll start up again.

~Elder Owens

Inspiration

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